Tears of Joy

You just never know when something you say will touch someone. I can think of several times in my life when someone has said something to me that really touched me. Often that person never knows how much it meant to me or that a simple statement they said would have such a profound impact on me. I have received so many comments and e-mails from people about my blog and my weight loss. It has just been overwhelming to me the support and love I have felt from so many people as I have taken on this challenge. The fact that people have told me that "I" have inspired them is amazing. I never thought I would have such an impact on others, but it just goes to show how just one person can make a difference.

I want to share an e-mail that my Mom sent me today. It brought tears to my eyes, tears of joy. Here is what she wrote:

Dear Amy,

You look great in your new Sunday outfit!!! (A few ! for you!) The old you is showing through, the happy you, the you who is pleased with yourself and how you look. This new photo reminds me of the picture of you on the mountaintop you just hiked. It sounds like you have crossed the exercise threshold where exercise is a necessity, you can't do without it. Great!

Love, Mom

This e-mail really brought a lot of my feelings to the surface. It has been such an uphill battle with my weight (see post A Good Novel). I think with each pound I gained, the "old Amy" became buried. Slowly but surely, pound after pound weighed upon my soul and the "happy Amy" was buried deep within. I would often say to myself or those close to me "I used to be happy, I used to be outgoing, I used to love to exercise, I used to care about myself, I used to like to be social, I used to, I used to, I used to". I know that my excessive weight gain had a serious impact on my personal outlook on life. It is nice to know that the "old Amy" is fighting to resurface. As I lose each pound I am getting closer and closer to the "old Amy" and I am thrilled. I have really felt my confidence level increase in so many aspects of my life. My step is lighter, my energy level has increased 10 fold, I smile a lot more, I am able to handle stress better and I could go on and on. I can only think of how I will be feeling when I have lost 50 pounds, and then 70 pounds, and then 100 pounds! It seemed like such an impossible feat when I started this back in December. I was almost afraid to tell anyone that I set the goal of losing 100 pounds. But it was something that I knew in my heart I had to do. That is the key right there, you have to be ready. You can have everyone and their dog telling you what you need to do, but YOU MUST BE READY yourself. YOU have to ask yourself the question, am I ready to change?

I specifically remember the picture that my Mom is talking about of me on top of a mountain. What is funny is that I have thought of that picture many times. I was 20 years old and living life to it's fullest. I was at BYU, happy as could be and ready to conquer the world. I had hiked to the top of Squaw Peak and stood at the very tip to pose for a picture. I stood there flexing my arms proud of my accomplishment in hiking. Once again I am climbing up a mountain, it isn't easy, but when I get to the top I imagine I will have the same type of pose. Full of life and full of joy and ready to conquer the world again.

Several years ago I read a book by Dr. Phil about weight loss. I didn't really try to do his plan but something I read has always stuck out in my mind. He said that no mater what you do, you will not lose weight if you have something that is emotionally holding you back. You may or may not be aware of what that "thing" is, but until it is resolved you will not have any success in losing weight. He had all these examples of people who couldn't let go of certain things and were not having any success in weight loss. Once they were able to move past their issue, the weight started coming off. There were two big issues in my life that I was having a hard time getting over. One, was my divorce that became final in 2001. The other I will not touch on now, but maybe in another post. The point is, that once I was able to let go and forgive I suddenly was able to accomplish this next challenge. Losing weight.

Without going into too much detail, I suffered from my divorce much longer than I was married. I was only married for 9 months and it was a very difficult time in my life. Even though we were married in the temple, married life took a much different path than what I ever expected it would. My husband at the time decided that the way of the world was more important than me or the church. He said things to me that were very damaging to my self esteem. It turns out that I held onto what he said for years after he was out of my life. I know that after my divorce I turned to food. I always said that I wanted to get married again, and yet I know that physcologically I kept myself fat so that no one would want to date me. If I kept myself fat, then I wouldn't get married again and I wouldn't get burned again and I wouldn't get hurt again. I wouldn't have to give all of my love to someone only to be disappointed that they didn't love me back. Most importantly I would be safe inside my fat body. This is the scar that was left on my heart when I got divorced. I just couldn't let go. I couldn't let go of my disappointment. Not that I wanted to remain in an abusive marriage by any means, but the fact that I met someone I trusted and loved and then was deceived and lied to was very hard to overcome. So hard that it took me over 5 1/2 years before I was finally able to let go. I was finally able to forgive my ex husband. I know that letting go of that burden has aided in my ability to focus on my weight loss and keep myself on target.

Look at your life and see if there is something that is holding you back. Is there someone that you haven't been able to forgive? Is there some issue that you can't get past? Is there someone that you feel so much anger towards that it is stopping you from reaching your goals? Take the time to reflect on your life and really dig deep down. By overcoming these things you will be amazed at what you can conquer. Not only weight loss, but many other aspects in your life.

Thanks again to all of you for your support and comments. It means the world to me and really keeps me motivated.

Get Up & Get Moving

It isn't that often that I get to sleep in. I usually have to be to work by 6:45 a.m. which means I need to leave my house no later than 6:15. I usually set my alarm for 5:00 a.m. and snooze it for about 20-30 minutes. I like to feel like I am waking up gradually so I purposely set my alarm for earlier than I actually have to get up.

So on Sunday's I don't have church until 1:00. I hate having church at 1:00 because I have to give up my Sunday naps. Anyway, this morning 5:00 rolled around and guess what? I was wide awake! I don't understand why it is when I can actually sleep in, I wake up at 5:00 no problem. During the week, it is all I can do to roll out of bed and get moving. Well I tossed and turned for 1 1/2 hours making every attempt to fall back asleep. I just couldn't do it. So I gave up. I got up and decided to go ahead and get my walk over with. I figured I might as well. So I got dressed, had a protein shake, and off I went.

I don't mind going walking by myself. The only problem is that a lot of times I find myself strolling rather than keeping up a good pace. That is what is so great about having George go on the walks with me. He really sets the pace. Well, I really wanted to try and keep up with the record that George and I set the other night of 53 minutes. I knew if I was going to do that I had to stay focused. As I was walking a crazy, insane, ridiculous thought popped into my mind. "Why don't you try jogging" I pushed the thought out as quickly as it came in. I mean seriously, me run? I hate running, I always have .....

In High School for P.E. we had to run 3-4 miles twice a week. Every Tuesday and Thursday we had to run. We got graded on it too! That really ticked me off because I didn't think it was fair. The grades were based on points and they ranged from -5 to +5. When I first started the semester I refused to run. I would walk, but I would have rather died than run 4 miles. After a few weeks of getting points from -5 to 0 I started getting really mad. I still didn't think it was fair to grade on who was running and who came in first. The people who got the +5 were running really fast miles. The others would go down in points depending on the time they came in. When I got my grade status in the class and it was a "C-" that really got me going. I couldn't believe that me, someone who is addicted to exercise and works out like 2 hours a day was getting a "C-" in P.E. I decided I better swallow my pride and do something about. So I started running like I was supposed to, instead of walking like I usually did. I was in good shape so I had no problem keeping up with the other runners. I just didn't enjoy running. I didn't like the feeling of my feet pounding on the hard pavement. But there was no way I was going to get anything less than an "A" in P.E. So as the semester wore on I got a +5 on every single run and I was able to increase my grade to an "A". What got me through those runs? Using my anger to drive me faster to get done so I could tell off my P.E. teacher. Of course I never did that, but just the attitude of all the P.E. teachers really annoyed me.

So back to my thought that popped into my head. It kept coming and coming and finally I gave in. I looked ahead to a light post in the distance and said "I can jog to that", so I did. Immediately I remembered why I despised running so much. The pounding of my feet on the pavement and a new feeling.... my fat bouncing up and down. Didn't feel to good but I made it to the light post. When I slowed down to a brisk walk I was breathing really hard, but I felt good. I mean I had the high of exercising that I haven't felt in a long, long, long time. Man it felt good. Instantly memories came flooding back of doing aerobics and hiking and bike riding and swimming. Everything I used to do to get that high. When we have gone out on our walks I have always felt really good, but never experienced that extreme high that I used to get. I kept walking on and after a while I thought I would try running again. I focused on an object up ahead and decided to run to it. This time it was a little easier and I actually ran a little past the object I was going to stop at. I walked some more enjoying the high I was feeling. I continued to do this through out the rest of the walk. Each time was a little easier and more full filling. I certainly didn't go very far each time I ran, but I did it. I was back home with in 45 minutes! Yeah! I made it in under 53 minutes! Of course I did cheat. I cheated in a good way because I ran for part of the walk and cut off 7 minutes. That is pretty good. I can't say if I will try jogging again or even if I will do it every time I go walking. Who knows... Maybe in a year I will be laughing at this post as I am training for my first marathon. You just never know with me. But once again I have proven to myself. NEVER SAY NEVER!

Daily Motivation

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I usually do very well during the week when I am really busy staying motivated. I honestly have to say that I don't even really have any temptations or serious cravings during the week. Someone can eat pizza or ice cream or drink a soda right in front of me and I don't even have the slightest desire to have any. However once the weekend comes, especially Sunday's I feel like it is all I can do to keep my hands out of the cupboards and the freezer. It is nearly 7:00 p.m. and so far today hasn't been to bad. I attribute that to a few things. First of all I went walking this morning at 6:45. I think that really helped to stay focused all day. I will write more about my walk later.

The second thing that has helped keep me motivated is this graph that I made last night. I searched and searched on line for a thermometer that I could change the temperature on (to represent my increasing weight loss each week). At the top of the thermometer I wanted to have the phrase "The temperature is rising and when I meet my goal (100 pounds lost) I will be smokin' hot".

I thought it would be good to have that so people could check my blog and just look to the side to see how much weight I have lost. Well after finding several "trashy" pictures, mostly things you would see on myspace, I gave up. I went back to the basics and made my own thermometer in Excell. It isn't perfect, but you get the idea. I will just have to update it every two weeks when I go in for weigh in and keep everyone posted that way. So, I hung this on my mirror in my bedroom. That way I see it everyday and read the phrase "When I meet my goal I will be smokin hot". So I think that will help me with my daily motivation.

The third thing that has helped me stay motivated today is the new outfit I got to wear to church today (see above picture). Macy's had a big sale this past week and on Thursday night I went a bought some more clothes. I really wanted to find something I could wear to church. I found this skirt and blouse. Both the skirt and the blouse are a size 16! I was so happy when I tried on the a size 18 skirt and it was too big. I still need a size 18 in my pants though. I bought two more pairs of pants so now I have 5 pairs that fit. What a relief, I was so tired of walking around pulling up my pants all day. I also got some more blouses to wear to work that actually fit too. Again, all are a size 16. I wouldn't have bought so many things but everything was on sale marked for clearance at 50% off, then take an additional 40% off. So most things didn't cost too much and I figured I can wear them for at least a month or more before I have to go buy a smaller size. Don't worry I won't complain if I go down a few more sizes and have to splurge before the month is up. Anyway, I love Macy's. They have the best sales! I also got two pairs of earnings. They each were originally $50, marked down 75% and then an additional 30% off of that price. So I paid about $9 each for them. It was great.

Just Smile For Me

Last night when I got home from work Amy's mom was here babysitting Sarah and Kate. I heard them all upstairs so I went on up. I found them all in the master bathroom. Sandra was applying make-up to two little princesses. Cinderella (Kate) and Princess Genvieve (sp? Sarah). They looked so cute. I told them when they were done with their make-up to come downstairs so I could take some pictures.

Anyone who has ever tried to take a picture of kids knows what a challenge it can be to get them to pose and smile. When you have two kids you are trying to take a picture of it can even be more difficult. When your camera doesn't want to take a picture when you push the button it becomes down right impossible. So here are my attempts at getting pictures of the girls.

Sarah has a great smile in this one, but her eyes are closed and Kate wouldn't hold still long enough for me to get her next to Sarah.

Again, thanks Sarah for the smile. But don't look at Grandma, I told you to look at Auntie! Thank goodness for Grandma Sandra. She can always get you to smile. And where did Kate run off to????
This picture makes me laugh. Sarah kept insisting that she wanted to be proper and serious. I don't know where she got that idea in her head that a princess is serious, but you know 6 year Olds have wild imaginations. I was lucky that I got her to sit down on the couch. She wanted to lay on the couch and pose. Again, wild imagination.


This is in their bedroom while they are at the "Princess Ball". Grandma Sandra put a chair up on the bench and made a throne for the girls. Again, Sarah is saying "Auntie how many more pictures are you going to take? I am sick of you telling me to smile." At least Kate is smiling....


This picture is adorable, but it was a random shot. I snapped it as Kate was dancing around the room. Every time I told her hold still, she just got more hyper and purposely danced around. It was great! :)

Thank you girls for finally giving me a good pose. Kate isn't smiling in this one, but she still looks cute. At least she is holding still. I love you!!!

DUH!!! How hard can it be?

So how hard can it be to post a picture? I have no problem posting them to my blogs, but I wanted to have a picture posted on my profile. From day one I was totally frustrated because I couldn't get a picture to upload. I am so impatient, that I just kept giving up. Well finally tonight I was bound and determined to post a picture. I took some pictures of myself last night. No one else was home so I had to do the good old "hold the camera out in front of your face and snap, snap, snap". Believe it or not the pictures actually turned out really well. After I cropped them, they looked even better. So I figured I would choose one of them. I couldn't decide which one I wanted to use so I had Gideon come check them out. I didn't tell him which one I thought was the best. Well it turns out we both picked the same one. So, now that I have a picture selected how the heck do I get it posted on my profile?


DUH! After an hour of trying several different things and switching from my laptop, to Gideon's computer, and then finally George's computer I decided to go to the "Help" section of blogger. Sure enough I found out exactly how to get my picture on my profile. It was so easy. I hate reading how to do something. If I am putting together something, regardless of what it is I don't like to read the directions. I just like to try and do it. The problem with this is that I often get so frustrated and irritated that I usually leave it lying on the floor for a few hours. Anyone that is even in the vicinity while I am trying to figure out how to put this thing together better watch out. I usually will snap at them like a Great White Shark going in for a kill. I am sure all my family members are laughing at this because they know it is true. I think each one of them have fallen victim to this. Poor Gideon got it tonight :). Anyway, after I leave the project for a while I come back , read the freakin directions and put it together in a jiffy. I do this time and time and time again, all with the same results and frustration. So is it any big surprise that I took the hard way to figure out how to post my picture?

It is nice to finally have some pictures of me that I like. Being so overweight for so long I really have very few pictures of myself over the past few years. I just didn't ever like how I looked. If anyone was lucky enough to even get me in a picture, it was a big deal. What else is shocking to me with these pictures is that I actually still had make up on after working 12 straight hours.



This one below is the one that Gideon and I decided looked the best. So I am happy to say that I finally have a face to my profile! Yeah!!!

Record Time

George and I went for our nightly walk last night. Amy didn't go because she wasn't feeling very good. So George and I took the girls. George is a speed demon. Here he is pushing the girls in the bike trailer, which is a total of about 90 pounds (bike trailer 15 + 75 pounds for the girls) and I can barely keep up with him. Of course he says "It rolls so it isn't a big deal". But if I were to push it, especially when we go uphill, I would never make it.

Monday night Amy wasn't able to go either. On the walk I felt like I was practically jogging to keep up with George. After about two miles I said "I miss Amy, I really need her on these walks". Usually George is busting a move about 100 feet ahead of us with the girls and Amy and I just give up trying to keep up with him. So we talk and walk and we are usually gone on our 4 mile walks anywhere from 60-75 minutes. Well, I kept right up with George Monday night and boy could I feel it. But I didn't have anyone else to talk to, so if I wanted to talk his ear off I had to keep up. Last night we made record time. We finished our walk in 53 minutes! I was stoked! I think it helped that 1/2 way through I had to pee so bad I thought I was going to die. I just wanted to get home so I could use the bathroom :). I was even tempted as we passed some houses of people in our ward to ask if I could use their bathroom. That is how bad I had to go, but I chickened out. Anyway, a few times I was even walking ahead of George. Hard to believe, but it is true. So I am really excited to go again tonight to see if we can keep up with that record time of 53 minutes.

Shout for JOY!

I am so excited! I went to Dr. Hendricks office today for my weigh in. I lost another 7 pounds in the past two weeks. It is amazing and I am so happy. I secretly wanted it to be more, and was slightly disappointed, but then I was reminded I am only supposed to be losing about 3.5 pounds a week. So I am right on target. I am sure there are people out there that want to shoot me because I am complaining about "only" losing 7 pounds. Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic, but I am an over achiever and I want to be "above average". So it is just me and please know I am happy as a clown with my results. My BMI has gone from 41.5 down to 35 and I have lost 6 inches off my waist. I was told that most people on this plan lose an average of 12 pounds a month. It hasn't even been two months yet and I have lost 35 pounds. So I am way above average.

Everyone at Dr. Hendricks office is so nice and supportive. I felt like a "Queen" when I was there today. They are so complimentary and just kept telling what an awesome job I have done. So I told them about this blog and I told them they can share it with other patients and staff members. If I can be of any help to anyone I am all for it. I hope that I can be an inspiration to others on this plan and other weight loss programs too. I think each person needs to research and find what works best for them. The bottom line is eating right and exercise. Oh exercise is so important. I am so lucky that I have my brother George, his wife Amy, and his two girls to go walking with. It makes a difference to have people to go with. Perhaps through this blog, if there are other patients of Dr. Hendricks reading it we could start a walking group. We could meet at a specific time each night and go walking. I think it would be a great support for everyone and we could share what works for us and help those that are struggling. So any of you out there that are interested and live in the Roseville area post a comment and let me know.

Anyway, back to Dr. Hendricks staff... I really needed the positive feedback today more than ever. My appointment was at 9:30 a.m. and already I had had a very stressful day. Hard to imagine it could go downhill so fast. Of course it was work issues and I was jolted out of a deep sleep at 6:15 a.m. with someone calling in sick. My first instinct was to cancel the three different appointments I had this morning and rush to work. But I am sick of being held hostage by my job, so I decided that others are going to have to learn to step up. I can't always come to the rescue. Anyway, after various calls on my cell phone and e-mails back and forth everything got worked out. But, I got all worked up and upset about some things that were said and so you know me. If I can't vent....well then it just sucks! So, poor George had to listen to me the entire way home from Sacramento Jaguar where we dropped off his car, all the way to Kate's school. Total time of about 30 minutes of listening to me rag and rag and rag..... George is such a champ. He knows just to be quiet and let me ramble on. Then we had to rush to Dr. Hendricks office for me to make it to my appointment on time. As we got out of the car I was still a little fired up and I said, "If I don't weigh in at 225, I am going home and eating a piece of that pizza that is in the fridge". George said "Come on Amy, you are not going to do that and I am not going to let you". So I went into my appointment stepped on the scale and it said 227. I was so disappointed, but then they said I lost 7 pounds and when I did the math figured I was right on target. So too bad, no pizza for me. Actually, good thing no pizza for me. I don't want to get off track. I have sacrificed too long and passed by so many temptations, I can't let a few remarks send me to the kitchen. So my whole point of this rant I am on, is that I am so thankful to the staff at Dr. Hendricks. For their encouragement, their praise, their excitement and amazement at what I have done. I needed that more than anything today and I am just so thankful.

Then I came home and read a comment on my last blog from Andrea's friend Lucy. It was so nice of her to take the time to read my blog and comment on it. I was just touched and it made me feel good. My goal today is when I go into work at 3:00 I am going to find something to compliment each employee and each customer that comes into the store. Today several people have said things to me that changed my whole outlook on the day. I want to pass that on.